STORM AND SILENCE

First of all. For those of you that are new here and reading my blog post for the first time. My name is Caritas Emmanuella. I am a student at a university in Nigeria. I love writing so please follow my instagram page @heartpumpedwords for more of my write-ups. I will open up my youtube channel soon so just anticipate. 

The beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart. Now what is stronger than a human heart which shatters over and over again and still lives.  

I urge you to just read and understand till the end.
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Storm and silence

I want to talk about your heart.
Your heart is a silent place, your heart beat is a silent beat, and your heart is full of blood.

I wasn't interested in writing this particular topic at all but I realized that I have lots of things to tell you. 

Your heart needs healing. It needs to heal now. 
My writings to you might not be an A grade today on your list but I will try always to make you keep reading till the very last end.

The heart.
We are bothered so much about what will happen in the future. I am simply writing this because I am too. We are having toxicity in our lives. I am writing this because it is a big deal. You are not sure of anything you want in this life. I am writing  this because people out there are claiming to be sure and pride is their backbone. Someone has destroyed your precious heart. I am writing this because it happens. You are just so tired of feeling left out and alone. I am writing this because I feel that way sometimes. 

First of all, your heart is so sensitive and clearly some people might not know that,  because people are too busy living a life of whatever they feel is right when it isn't.
I am clearly a victim of deceiving myself. 

When I mean sensitive, I mean as the owner of your heart, what you think about determines everything.  When God created US, he knew what he was doing. We have the nervous system that coordinates all the activities of the body. Your heart knows things that your mind can't explain.

 And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. 

Maybe I will share a story. 

Words can destroy people. I have heard lots of things about me and i am yet to comprehend why?  Like they say 'you will have haters all around and they make you stronger'. To be honest, what some people say can destroy me to the end but right now I can say I am stronger and I want you to be. Withstand the stories spread about me, I am still on my feet doing what I love doing. I ain't perfect at all, no one is. I am an ambivert. Funfact about me- I love being alone most times but I prefer to stay with my boyfriend(if I have one)than anyone. It was a choice I made a long time ago because of my heart. I love my heart because my heart gives love, thats why i adore it. If you adore your heart that means you are proud of it and that makes it healthy.  Most times, when I know things are not right, I pray. 

 I am caught up with thinking of what the next step will be when I make a decision meanwhile I haven't taken that decision yet. I am considered as a different person around people and I choose to agree with the second opinion most of the time. 

I am plainly the kind of person that is Inlove not love but Inlove with the fact of happiness.
A girl met me and told me her problem relating to friendship, love and toxicity. She wasn't happy at all. Infact, she said she is so tired of everyone and no one reciprocate the care she shows. 
Lots of people meet me when they have a problem and when they do, I sincerely have something good to say. That doesn't make me a problem solver, it makes me a happy person because I made him/her happy.
You will have friends that are so toxic, very toxic. You will be in that shell and do you know where that shell is gotten from?
The sea, that means it won't break, you will just keep hearing the echoes of pain and depression from within the shell.
Try hear what a shell sounds like and tell me.

Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.
Your friends define who you are. Read that again and again. Your friends define who you are. I have close friends. There is one particular person I can say she is a friend to keep for life. 

There are three options in toxicity. 

You let the person know his/her faults. You keep living with that person till he/she swallows you like a whale or you leave that friend ship. 

  My mum once told me 'if i have nothing to eat a day and she/he has just one biscuit. She/he won't hesitate to share that biscuit and feel comfortable. The joy having to share that biscuit with me will not make me hungry anymore'. That is a friend. 

I can't say I want to stay in a toxic friendship. it is not your fault because most of the time it is unexpected. Having a toxic friend is like living with a cockroach and it keeps hovering around your head. You might want to tell them what you don't like about them and what they do or did. If you do that, that is a good thing but after doing that and nothing changes,  You might as well use the third option - leave the friendship. Your heart needs rest. 

Your heart is a magnificent safe place. It isn't anybody's heart but yours,  so keep it safe. I am not trying to play dumb with you at all, I am trying to teach you something very important.
Don't hold back in the past. Your past is the most wicked 'human' I have seen. You know why? Because it doesn't leave you. Its toxicity is so real that it keeps following you even till this very day.
You keep living in a trance. That is plainly where you are living. 

I will write and suppose different kinds of feelings you are feeling now,  then I want you to comment in the comment box one of them. 
You are feeling isolated,You are so pained with the world, you don't understand yourself at all, you leaning back at that boy/girl that keeps calling you, you are changing from something  you ever don't want to become, you are keeping notes, you are just waiting for the one person you can call a bestfriend because you clearly don't have, you are so tired of crying, you don't even know your real friends anymore.
You are not appreciated, you just want to let go but you can't, you feel you aint beautiful, you feel no one even loves you, you feel suicidal for no reason, you feel so lonely, you feel you are alone on earth and it will stay like that, you feel depressed, you feel no one cares about you, you are stuck in this state whereby you stick with who cares now not the person who cared before, you just want everything to go as planned, you just want to be rich and get married,you feel no one understands,  you dont want to smile anymore, you are so sad inside, you like him but he doesn't even care, you feel like a 'clown', you keep this feeling 'I don't care again, anything should happen ' and you are tired.

Basically yeah , having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage not weakness. 

  You are feeling lots of thing inside and no one understands you at all. In fact, you want one particular person to understand you but she/he ain't. 

So you prefer being in that state in order for less trouble and thoughts in your head. 

Humans are not perfect. Trying to sleep is hard when you know you just fucked up.
I can't blame you feeling any type of way and at the same time I can't help you unfeel that way.
What can help you is your heart.

Detach and revel in your independence again, List your strengths, Allow some fantasizing, Help someone else, Laugh, Make a good and bad list, Work it out. I really really need you to understand this. Friendship can be genuine when you are. 

This is personal but I have this problem with my heart. It has been happening since childhood. It beats very fast, very very fast when I want it to beat that fast. And from then my chest pains me so bad and I won't want to eat.
It beats fast because of the thoughts in my head. Both negative and positive when it relates to someone.
I can't calm it down, only the person involved can. This problem is complicated but I find it really unhealthy.
For you to have a healthy heart ;be ready for anything and always put yourself first before any other person.
Your heart is injured, so let him fix it, let him.
By him i mean, Let God fix it.
Don't bother about who will understand you. You are loved. You are loved by the greatest. 
Each and everyone of you have someone. Believe it or not.
Right now, that person is waiting for you and you are waiting for the person as well,  so just wait for that time.
That is why I keep telling people that God loves you. He can't watch you sniff powder. He gives you that powder to rub on your face to look beautiful.
That powder signifies joy, happiness and love.
I am happy you reached to this extent, so keep reading.

The weakness you are having now is moulding you to be stronger.
When I heard about George Floyd death, I looked at myself in the mirror and said, he is my color and we look alike.
God didn't put fear in me, he simply told me from that mirror that I am clearly stronger than I look.
Blacks are being killed and they take it in sometimes because nothing could be done.
The weakness you are having now is moulding you to be stronger. #justice and peace.

Your heart needs oxygen to breathe. Right now you should breathe in and out because everything will be fine.
I know you didn't breathe in and out as I said now but do that now and feel God in you.

If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment. 

In my own words, Lying assurance is a state whereby you say what you don't mean,  to make the other person feel you mean it. You are simply lying to yourself. 
That is you staying in the state of pleasing others. 

Your heart is a place of love.
Loving without feeling stupid for doing so.
Go for that person now and live the life with the person.
Let me tell you something you don't understand.
All the people you have met in this life, God dropped them and is dropping them. 
To teach a lesson and to learn a lesson.
We all pray for someone to love and love you back. Someone who will be so proud of you and post you and don't care about anything. Someone who will listen to you and make you feel worth it and not stupid. Yes I know.
That someone you are wishing for is wishing for you too but wait for that time. God hears and know your prayers. God time is always the best.

Treat people good and put this in mind. 

This is my quote

Quote me anywhere. 

Words can kill, restore and bring someone back to life. 

I have come to the end of this topic although I had lots of things to say but if you want to talk to me or ask any question just dial my number.
09024456924 or if you want to make it anonymous, I use my email everyday Caritas15chinenye@gmail.com
I will be of help to you, even though you don't hear the words you want to hear, i hope you just live happy always. 

God loves you always. 

I love you always. 

Trust me.